As part of my new self, I went out and scooped up a variety of high heeled shoes on eBay. Some of them were a disaster. Like these blue velvet Kurt Geigers, which are beautiful but too, positively dangerously, high:
But the above black suede Topshop platforms, are totally comfortable to wear all day. At first, I would only wear them at work, during the holidays, after all the hordes had left. I did fall off them several times at first before I started to get used to them. I found that there’s a kind of knack to not showing your fear and worry that you are going to fall. I also had to change the way I moved in order to feel more confident, so that was walking straighter, and slower, and remembering not make any sudden changes in direction.
I think though the main issue was getting used to the perspective having suddenly gained four inches.
I’m 5’2″ which is not terrible, but not great. I’ve always played the role of the young girl, looking up at people all the time, ever the small, friendly, helpful person. Not just because of my lack of height and the fact that I look about twelve, of course. But these things haven’t helped.
With the help of heels, I have become an averagely tall woman. This puts me on a par with most women I was looking up at before, and makes me taller than a good number of women I was on eye level with before. Most weirdly, I am now on eye level with quite a lot of men. And it makes me feel really good. I never knew what I was missing out on, but people look at me differently. Sometimes it’s almost as if people are seeing me for the first time.
Of course I like this change in myself. But it does make me a bit sad. I don’t like to think that we are constrained by the people around us. Sometimes circumstances don’t go our way. Sometimes times are hard. But I like to think that we are in charge of our own destiny. I like to think that we have control.
At the back of my mind, though, I know that this is merely comfort thinking. We are at the mercy of those who see us:
For myself, I like to think that people are seeing me differently not purely because of my appearance, but because I am presenting myself differently, and holding myself differently. I have to stand straighter in heels, hold myself more purposefully – if you waver around, you will fall off. I have to be slower, less prone to the kind of mania that can be so retrospectively embarrassing. I’ve found that I am thinking things through first, and not reacting to things so quickly. Like a real, proper, grown up, in control person. As for running in platform shoes, I realise I no longer need to. I will just reduce any opponent to a quaking heap by turning my cool gaze upon them from on high.
This is me yesterday (look at how tall I am compared with the door!):
I did ummmm and ahhhh a lot before posting.
Firstly, the picture is pretty basic! All I have is a camera with a timer, a mirror ledge, and a small roomed house, where something undesirable will always be in the fore or background.
Secondly, I am wary of the idea of using my blog as self-promotion, of promoting a life that is not really mine but just the best, fantasy image of what a life like mine looks like from the outside. I see so many bleached out, skinny angled “selfies” through Lovely Daughters’ Facebook feeds. Many girls just post pictures of themselves fooling around with friends. But sadly, the more insecure I know a girl to be, the more extreme the “selfies” she will post – all black and white glam, big eyes, skinny shrinking bodies in tiny tops and dresses 😦
Yesterday I came across this blog:
Which is cool and has lots of writing and pictures on it, and encouraged me to put up picture, because it’s my blog after all, and this is a piece, however poorly lit and framed, of my life. I know that I like seeing pictures of people whose blogs I follow. It makes them seem more real and “connected”.
I also wanted to share how much I love the outfit… because it cost me under £35 on eBay! The shoes are Topshop Java platforms (£20), the vest top is Country Road (£1 – any Australians reading this: we in the UK are hugely under appreciative of Country Road), the skirt is Lipsy (£5) and the jacket is Day Birger et Mikkelsen…. it’s got silk and velvet lapels and is the bargain of the century at all of… £5, would you believe it?
I was also helped in my posting by this blog post here:
which explores the way people sometimes seek approval and affirmation from our blog postings and our use of social media sites. It was a good read, because it reminded me to focus on my own reasons for blogging, and not to worry about what other people think.
So, as a result. I am trying to be true to myself. Because the most important thing to me about blogging is to free my thoughts and connect with other people.